I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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