sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
