wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i dont even know how to be here
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
