i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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