I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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