i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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