I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
