There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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