btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
