i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
