I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
