Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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