it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
