If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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