I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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