woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
