I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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