I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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