sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
