I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
