OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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