***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
