Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
