I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
