Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
