During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
