Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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