Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
