The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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