I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
