i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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