In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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