If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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