wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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