TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
