hotel room ftw
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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