you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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