Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Two words: nipple clamps
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