I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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