an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
