Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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