I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
a search helicopter?!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
