TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
