So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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