remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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