his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
