WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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