i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
