and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
