i permit you to call me
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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