We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
